Let me make you an offer you can't refuse....

How's this for a business proposition? People donate money or items to me. I use the money to buy given items (whatever the donor requests). Then I destroy the item in a creative fashion on film and put it on the Internet.

By "a creative fashion" I should be a little more clear. I don't mean, Gallagher smashing things with a hammer creative. I don't mean Johnny Knoxville running things over in a golf cart with a midget creative.

I mean, building a catapult and shooting it across a football field and having someone try to shoot it with a rifle in mid air.

Or turning it into a homemade fireworks display, complete with a gasoline "safety splasher".

Or covering it in meat and feeding it to a rottweiler.

Lighting it on fire and throwing it off a bridge.

Playing baseball with it, but with axes instead of baseball bats.

Throwing it into a lawnmower that's on fire.

Alternatingly freezing it in ice and baking it in an oven. Then putting it in a microwave-- and blowing it AND the microwave up unexpectedly.

Any suggestions for good items to destroy? Or good ways to destroy them? The key is having a "twist". I'll also take any monetary donations anyone wants to make.

OK Because people have apparently been wondering what I have been doing lately, and because there really aren't enough articles about penises on this website, I figured I'd put up another piece about what one of the world's biggest dicks (that is, me) has been up to lately.

Word of explanation: I am in Europe. Here is a brief story to give you an idea of what has been going on here.

Friday night after work I set out to get drunk. I put on a nice shirt,
jeans, my iPod, a camera, wallet, sweatshirt, orange card for the
metro, and 3 beers. I go to the bar, drink the beers on the metro ride
up.

I walk into my fave bar, Lizard Lounge. Immediately, a guy calls me
over. I look, and its this guy, Talal, who I met on like Tuesday at the
same bar. Talal is Bahraini, but he's really just basically English in
everything other than looks and his passport. Sitting next to him is
another arab, this one a Frenchman of Tunisian descent named Walid.
Talal introduces me to Walid.

"Matt I have a proposal for you," he says to me as I sit down in front
of him, fresh drink in hand. "I was just talking to Walid, who has a
car. What do you say we go to Amsterdam tonight?"

I pound the drink and order another one.

"Fuck yea," I tell him.

So they have a car, a tiny French piece of shit, but it has 5 seats and
there's only 3 of us. So we ask around the bar and probably sketch a
couple people out, but whatever. Nobody else is interested in coming.
So around 130 we leave and go to Talal's place.

We have a few more drinks, and he rolls up a joint. We smoke it, Walid
is passed out. He was supposed to drive. Well who gives a fuck we're
not going to let shit like that get in the way! Off we go, getting back
in the car. A rather drunk Talal is driving, I pass out for a few hours.

Amazingly enough we don't die and drive all night to get to Amsterdam
at about 9:30 AM.

Amsterdam is a crazy fucking place.

We park a couple blocks from the Central Station there, so we're pretty
close to everything. First thing's first, we go to a coffee shop and
have a breakfast of coffee and some afghan hash (its a bit wierd, its
like a little block of tac). There's a problem-- Walid wants to go and
take the car with him. We've been in town less than an hour and someone
is already talking about leaving!

So we do the logical thing and go for a walk in the Red Light district.
We just sort of walked around and checked things out. Now Walid wanted
to stay. Haha!

After some more discussions, we go looking for youth hostels that have
rooms open. After an hour or so of phone calls and investigations, we
got nothing. So Talal calls a friend of his in the area, Eveline. We
agree to meet her for lunch (or something).

So she meets us, we do a bit of walking around, get some falafel, get a
room at one of the youth hostels, go to another hash bar and play pool
for a few hours. Had a lot of fun; it was great.

Go back to the hotel, we meet a couple cool Irish guys, Ian and
Killian. They say they are 19 and 20 respectively but look closer to 16-
17. But they get into all the bars no problem, so who knows. We go to
the bar in the hostel, nice and cheap, have a few drinks and dinner at
McDonald's before going to (you guessed it) another hash bar. Ian can't
handle his weed very well and pukes all over the nice, upscale hash
bar. Oops.

So we go for another walk, out to a couple nightclubs, chilled for a
while. A Dutch girl starts talking to me, when she found out I was
American I couldn't get her to shut up. She was like lecturing me about
Puerto Rico. I wasn't really listening and just wanted her to leave me
alone. But whatever, it was a cool nightclub and the drinks were pretty
cheap.

We go for another walk in the red light district, Talal really wants to
get one but he never ended up doing so. Before anyone asks, no I didn't
get one.

We call it a night sometime around 5 AM, get up around 10 for check
out. Exchange contact info with the Irishmen, and with a pair of
Brazilian sisters that were in our room that Talal had taken a liking
to. I think he's kind of one of those walking hormone guys (you know, Sponge Lice style). Eh,
whatever it's all cool. So we smoke a bit more, buy one or two for the
road, and get in the car to leave.

About 20 minutes outside the city, the car starts making funny noises.
Smoke comes out from the hood when we pull over to look at it, and it
won't start. After some investigation, we discover the alternator belt
has basically disintigrated.

We have a problem, but those of you who are observant may notice
another problem. Go back up to the top and check what I brought with
me. Is a passport on that list of shit? Nope. Any legal authorities
have the right to detain me until I produce it, that is if they think
to ask. And I'm travelling with a couple of Arabs. Fucking shit.

Well using up whatever good luck we had remaining we get the car to a
gas station(!) and are able to hitchike to the Rotterdam train station.
We resolve to buy tickets to take us back to Paris and then Walid can
come back during hte week to fix his car.

New problem: After a weekend in Amsterdam, we are all broke. Barring
finding someone to wire us money, we are stuck until Monday with no way
out.

After about 4-5 hours of finagling, Talal is able to get in touch with
Eveline, who is able to buy us the tickets by phone. By the time we
pick up the tickets however, Talal and Walid have decided to spend the
night in Rotterdam and just leave the next day. They leave, I'm there
at the train station with less than €10 and no passport. If someone
asks for it on the train I am seriously fucked, but odds are pretty
good they won't.

Still, it had been a stressful day and I was seriously nervous, in a
place I'd never been with no friends and no plan. I started really
flipping out, so I bought a milkshake. Calmed me down more than all the
drugs I had that weekend put together.

Well I was able to get on the train, nobody checked my passport and I
came back last night. I hadn't showered, brushed my teeth, changed
clothes... nothing, since Friday night. I also hadn't told my host
family. Serge, the guy I work with and whose house I live in, was kind
of surprised to see me. I probably was quite a sight.

So I passed the fuck out and went to work this morning. Again I think
they are impressed with my ability to do various retarded shit with
total spontaneity. Eh.

It would have been really nice going with people I knew a bit better,
and I will go again someday. But I am going to have a return ticket in
advance I think!

Photos of shit taking place over the last 2 weeks can be found here...

http://photos.yahoo.com/mattbaby2002

Just because it's better than doing homework, I figure I'll post an article here. Maybe eagle-eyed GW readers will see more of this in weeks to come around campus.

~~~

AMERICONDOM SHOCKS AND AWES

In an unexpected development preceded only by the invention of the "Freedom Tickler" (a Napoleonic device used in the War of 1812 by the French against the Russians), the US Defense Department and Trojan Condoms, Inc. announced the release of the "Americondom."

"The United States won't pull out, why should you?" declared marketting executive Troy Mercury* in the press release. "What better way to show your love of America than a red white and blue, magnum sized, taliban-fighting, take-no-prisoners, government sanctioned sleeve on integrity? Ten percent of proceeds go to tsunami relief," he added.

Indeed, the new condom seems to be the latest weapon in the ever-evolving war on sexually terrorizing diseases that continue to threaten Americans every day. The device itself is revolutionary from a technical as well as idealogical standpoint. Permitting pre-emptive penetrations into enemy territory to secure oil reserves, it extends the line of supply, while shortening the chain of command. The result in the end is an easy-to-grasp approach to victory in the battle for hearts and minds.

However, the new device also has its detractors. "Access to tools like this only makes people more likely to try to use them. Next thing you know, we're all fucked," lead protester Janine Summers said. Demonstrators, as well as some in Congress, claim that the device allows for easy suprise attacks on the rear-- a maneuver banned under the Geneva Convention. "Exploiting the resources of others in protracted campaigns for our own betterment is hardly the American way of doing things. Our military has always emphasized getting in and getting out with as little collateral damage as possible. This thing is practically a daisy cutter," continued Summers.

~~

*I knew a guy with this name in high school. Just a cool name.

In sponge lice, there are practically four genders; one female and three male. Depending on the genes a male recieves. He may either be a large, aggressive male who defends a harem; a female-mimic who finds a harem to live in, even allowing the large defending male mate with him; or a tiny, fast, short-lived male who is nearly all testicle, zipping into harems past the defender and spraying sperm everywhere.

Below: Artist's conception

(Props to whoever it was that drew it)